GIRL TIPS

So you wanna get some pussy , huh???

Why not, you know? Its been two months since your last attempt and three since you tried to fuck somebody. Maybe if you just lower your standards a little and go for someone who may not be the most attracti-

Yeah? What did you think of that? It doesn't feel too good, does it??? Well let me clue you in on something buddy:

That pain is nothing compared to the agony of sleeping with an ugly person.

Your panicked hyperventilating is warranted and I will kindly wait with crossed arms as you calm yourself down, but once you're finished with that little hissy fit be prepared to have your life changed forever. That's right, I'm here to make you the most fuckable person at your local club, dive bar, family gathering, and everything in between. Say goodbye to the days of sending screenshots held up by a dribble of text reading "How do I talk to this girl?" in your group chats.

------Disclaimer------

These methods have mainly been tested (effectively, mind you) on lesbians whose looks range from the taste of beige chalk to cute in the "can effectively pull off a mustache" way. Their personalities range from tolerably quirky to genuinely cool (rare) to some of the most abhorrently obnoxious people this world has to offer (common).

It also should be noted that I am a girl with an actual penis. Flesh, blood and, until recently, cum. This makes me attractive to a very particular niche of lesbian: those who felt pressured into fucking dudes in high school. My body provides them a comforting sense of familiarity without having to jeopardize their dykeness.

Final thing: These methods are so effective they will most likely cause the chick to fall in love with you.

1. Never make eye contact

Really you just need something that keeps them questioning whether or not you're into them. Pretend you're talking to another version of yourself rather than a separate person. They'll rationalize that you're autistic and girls dig that.

2. Be the least fuckable version of yourself imaginable

Train yourself to forget what sex is. Constantly pull "deal-breaker" moves. If they want it then they want it. Put em through the damn wringer. This will especially pay off when you're finally getting it on and you're a freaking sex god!!!

3. Bear your soul as much as you can without revealing anything about yourself

Any "real" questions this person has for you are completely irrelevant. Answer with half-jokes that only you understand. Laugh at everything you say. If they don't join in, laugh harder. Widen your eyes, really push the grin. If all else fails, order more appetizers. I imagine this is all happening in a 99 Restaurant.

4. Texting sux!!!

Chances are your subject is going to be unbelievably dry when it comes to digital exchange. The key in this scenario is to completely control the field. Some go-tos for me are constantly sending pictures of what I'm doing (flash on always) and hitting them with relentless hypotheticals. A few off the top of my head: If an iPad had a real pussy and face would you take care of it if you found it covered in piss? If you were a room in an abandoned mental hospital, which room would you be? Where would you crash a plane if you could do it anywhere on Earth with no repercussions? Which part of Rod Stewart would you trap your worst enemy in for all eternity?

5. NEVER BE SELF-DEPRECATING

I know it's "trendy" now or whatever the fuck but c'mon. You gotta have swag!! Erase the word "suicide" from your vocabulary. Maintain the expression of your dad in sauna. Never say that you are bad at anything. There is a good chance you're talking to someone that would take any doubt you're useful and sledgehammer it into the bedrock.