two raf simons models

 

 

This is what it looked like.

im tired

its funny that being tired is a cliche sentiment? i don't know what it is. i recently found out my job is paying me under minimum wage. my boss is a dope burning man guy so i dont want to narc on him. im getting nothing done. every time i have a day off  i end up just looking at fucking youtube for 5 hours then taking a nap and finally having the social courage to text friends and loved ones at 2:30 am. they probably just think i'm high. i hate edibles man, drugs shoudl not last that long. one of my friends just invited me skateboarding i haven't skated since young thug was supposed to drop hitunes. i lost my board. i think patrick has it. its probably in some mission hill dumpster somewhere repurposd into a home for rats and other creatures.

Confused to grow up, baby?

                            “Nuke to wear one of the girls we operation fat” - Bill Gate   

My epic time spent in sweet cali. The jewel od tghe union.

Day ?: The new Kaiser Permanente megastructure is coming along nicely. The same can’t be said about really anything else.

Been about three years since I made it back out this way. Three years I’ve longed for the desert. Shut up, pussy. Like a shaven dog,  shivering. Walking around with my clicky nails on the tile, but not really going anywhere. 

“Go ahead” I say, “open the door, I’m not going out there”. Just then the fuckin Amazon man lets himself in with his skeleton key (The one that opens every door in the entire country). I bolt through the door and am instantly hit and killed by a cyber truck driven by none other than well respected entrepreneur and general doer of businesses, Elon Musk. The wild man of south africa. Straight from the dense jungles of Capetown. The first african president. 

Out here the air is particularly sharp, and wanting. What does it want? Mainly sweat, but it also needs its fair share of blood. I started crying last night, and immediately got a nose bleed. This morning while I was relieving myself, another nosebleed, right on queue. The skin tightens up, and begins to tear itself apart. Bloody cracks all down the back of your hands. There was an episode of ‘Good luck Charlie’ where the bitch gets like an emo boyfriend who invites her to participate in this poem reading event, wherein the subject of your poem has to be ...suffering…} The bitch has never suffered in her life so she writes a poem about a time she got a nosebleed. I think the emo crowd really liked it maybe. That's how I remember it. The B plot on that episode was that the mom got heavy into benzos and nearly killed herself. 

I’ll preface this next part by saying that if you feel the need to speak up about the difference between goth, and emo, and shit like that, you are a faggot. Actually I don’t think I’m gonna go any further than that. 

They call them nosebleed seats because if you sit there I'm gonna punch you up and give you one of 'em’. The Red socks are red from all the nosebleeds these guys are getting from me punching them up. I do a two for one offer. I’ll suck you off, but only if I can punch you in the face first. The trick is to run away when you stun them with something like a sucker punch. That's actually why they call it a sucker punch. It’s a punch from me, the presupposed ‘sucker’. 

“Welcome to the forum, put yer beer in the fridge....”

6/23/21:

 It rained in the Desert sometime last night. I missed it. Even the Desert doesn’t want to be seen crying. By 8am everything was dry as a bone. “No, everything is fine”. 

6/24/21:

 It rained again last night. I left my disneyland mug outside to try and catch the Desert off guard. 

I started making a spoon the other day. It was going pretty well, but I fucked it with the chisel. I’m trying again today. Let me know if you want anything from the woodshop. A talisman or totem? I can probably do that.

According to computer technology my voice is 100% masculine. I’m starting to get razor burn. I forgot to take my meds yesterday and I felt pretty ok. Once I realized that I hadnt taken them I immediately remedied that, and remedied myself. Only then did I fall down a hole. I’m gonna try to get off of my meds. 

7/3/21: 

  ][] The Remedy this evening?  A healthy helping of funny white tablets and quite a lot of Coffee and Dr. Pepper to try and prevent myself from nodding off. I was thinking a good idea for an instagram meme would be a picture of the cover of the weezer album ‘Radditude, but instead of that excited dog, it is doge the meme. That really covers all the bases in that particular marketplace of ideas. Thought central. Instagram explore. How about I explore your colon with my penish. *tattoo request dm commissions open. My cousin is missing. He was last seen. At the very least. That's all one could ask for. Just one last shot in the dark to kill the kid. Win a new Rishikesh chopsticks. Some green goblin gold.

Dr. K was quite a successful dental surgeon. He had a sizable office in a ‘sun-tarred bayside’. The office was situated in Wellesley, Massachusetts, near its border with Natick. When Dr. K had purchased the building, it was technically in Natick. But after the rampant redistricting of the 1980s, he found that his property had appreciated significantly in value. The patients that he would operate on would often be annoyed and quite impatient. Dr. K didn’t mind. Just a bit of extra gas. A risk, yes. But a measured one. Stress is contagious and incurable. They’d thank him if they knew, or if they knew how,

Dr. K had three children. The eldest was a boy of fifteen years: Baothghalach. He asked his friends to call him anything else. They called him a faggot. The lad was steadfast and headstrong like an armadillo bowling bowl fiasco on the fifth avenue queue. His pursuits included masturbation, and classic rock. As his father had hoped, he embodied foolish pride.

Next in line was a girl of ten years: Isabelle. Her hair was red like a field of poppies. Locust heaven dreamland. She was part of the brood for whom yours truly might find some solace therewithin. 

After a messy accident last year, poor Isabelle had been struck mute. She’d not spoken a word since the last anniversary of the April fools day massacres. She was too young to know about that, but the universe had deemed her old enough to know of much, much worse things.

The youngest child was seven years of age. Eris was her name. She is the subject of much controversy now. Then she was just an innocent young girl, and perhaps she still is in her own way. 

Oh Eris

Oh Eris

For you my heart does yearn

Oh Eris

Oh Eris

To you I will return

Forget the old, cold moon

And the tempestuous tide

Come stand by me sweet Eris,

Please stand by my side

Eris is mainly the subject of this story as well as many others. In truth she was not the youngest child, nor the eldest, nor the middle. Take that as it comes. She was like dried lilac. 

Eris had a great big dollhouse with which she loved to play. When she would get home, she’d throw her schoolbag down in a pile and go to the low table in the playroom on which the dollhouse stood. 

7/5/21:

Up here on top of the hill you can see all the way out to the coast, and all the surrounding towns. Yesterday was the fourth day of july. Now, despite the absolute devastation caused by wildfire in this area, each and every town has held their own fireworks display. It's only 12:39 right now so I can still hear the work of the amateurs. The independent ventures.  Monday morning, easy lovers. So easy tonight. But Bright, and when you get up, the love is really yours to hold as long as you can stay completely still. Then when you can’t, it slips away. Falls down and soaks into your socks, and dries on your prayer rug. “I paid good money for that rug!”, and how can you say that? That Moroccan guy fleeced your dumbass. 

Up on top of the hill you see the fireworks in every town, all the way down the coast. I’ve never been impressed with fireworks, and nor was I impressed by nine or eight concurrent firework displays. Now if we get a good fire going down in the brush, that might impress me. I’ll leave the handy work to the Monday morning pussy-getters. 

7/6/21:

No fires today. This evening's remedy is the last of the funny white tablets, washed down with chlorine bottles. Make a list of people that died this way, and put me on it. At least I knew what I was doing when I arrived. 

I hoped that falling in love would set me going in some sort of direction. It does not seem to have done so. Perhaps it just replaced my slowly building lack of unbearable suffering. 

“Nuke to wear one of the girls we operation fat” - Bill Gate

Int. afternoon, dining room

A and B sit across from each other. Both looking into empty space, holding desperately onto their mugs of coffee. If they let go they feel they will certainly float away. A looks up at B

A: I think I’m gonna do it ya know?

B: yeah?

A: It’s been over ten years now.

B: Have you even spoken to her?

A: Only once. Very briefly. 

B: Well what did she say?

A: I can’t say it.

B: Could you whisper it into my ear?

A hesitates for a moment then leans across the table and whispers something into B’s ear. We cannot hear what he says. B looks puzzled. A sits back in his chair and takes a sip of his coffee, closing his eyes for a moment, then looks back up.

A: I was in Park Street. I was in the little red tunnel, going underneath the tracks. Going inbound to outbound. She was doing the opposite. 

“Confused to grow up baby?” 

7/17/2021:

Only a few more days here. Last night I woke up and I finally saw it. After my whole life. Lightning, thunder, and a brief pause…………… Rain. Coming down so hard. Returning life to the dust and to the withered rasps. Cleaning the backs of the coyotes and deer. 

7/18/2021:

I am back home in Massachusetts. I didn’t learn anything. I didn’t expect I would. I’m not gonna proofread this either. Let me know if this is too racist or something like that.

if i was in the purge i would protect maria menounos

so today i locked myself out of my stupid shitty apartment when i went out to get some cash from an atm which i have literally NEVER DONE BEFORE i NEVER GO OUT WITHOUT MY KEYS but i think it was some sort of butterfly effect shit having to do with keys. cause the other day i had another awful day trying to go get the keys copied so my pussy bitch realtor who said my apartment was “too messy” could get in and so now i have some sort of key curse put on me. it should have been a simple excursion but i unfortunately got sidetracked into a safdies-esque urban odyssey trying to find a public bathroom where i could peacefully take a shit. i can’t figure out exactly how those events caused me to forget to bring my keys today but i imagine there must be some sort of spiritual relationship on the fucking anima mundi because there really is no other explanation.

anyway because i was locked out of my apartment i decided to treat myself to a film at the good ole amc boston common 19. the selection offered a bounty of riches such as “black widow” and “the hitman’s wife’s bodyguard” but i eventually settled on “the forever purge,” having not seen any of the previous films in the purge franchise nor having any knowledge of purge lore, because the poster vaguely reminded me at the time of richard stanley’s 1990 sci-fi classic “hardware.” i chose poorly because the forever purge was in theater 1 which if you’re not familiar with the layout of amc boston common 19 means that you don’t even get the ride up the escalator so what the fuck is even the point. 

there was a time not so long ago when the amc boston common 19 would open its heart to me and offer promises of friendship and wonder. not so anymore; it is now like love in the classic monkees song “i’m a believer”- meant for someone else, but not for me. when i entered the amc felt like a shallow husk, a lonely wasteland. i sat in the very back of the theater (when i have the option i always choose to sit in the very back of the movie theater) completely alone and shivered. the ac was cranked up even though it was kind of cold outside and my flimsy rain-damp jacket clung to me. i saw alita: battle angel there once and it was like “pretty good i guess” but i kept thinking about that memory and almost crying for some reason. i started wishing i had just gone to see black widow instead since there would have been other people there and i wouldn’t have felt like i was the only person in the world left alive. 

i could write the armond white review of the forever purge in my sleep. it’s literally made for him to get mad about. if you’re a conservative who’s sincerely obsessed with the belief that contemporary hollywood is an arm of the liberal propaganda machine designed to cynically exploit gullible americans and make them turn against each other and possibly destroy america than there is no film that will confirm your beliefs better than the forever purge. the forever purge is a film for biden’s america. it is a film for people who tweet about the capitol hill riot like it was pearl harbor. the forever purge is a film which expects viewers to implicitly agree that rich racist whites are redeemable, good-at-heart family men and poor racist whites are execrable trash who are all one bad day away from going full stephen paddock. not to “”spoil anything”” but there’s a scene in the forever purge where the rich racist white character tells the illegal immigrant character that he doesn’t think white people are superior he just thinks everyone should stick to their own kind and you’re supposed to think like “oh he’s not not that bad.” oh yeah there’s also a wilhelm scream in one scene. 

if you get to the theater early enough at amc they play this thing called “noovie” which advertises things that i guess don’t technically count as movie trailers like tv shows and “amazon originals” and encourages you to download an app to play some shitty arcade games. every time i try to imagine what circumstances would lead to someone downloading the noovie arcade app i feel very dark inside. noovie is most definitely a force for evil in the world but luckily it is hosted by the wonderful maria menounos who is most definitely a force for good. i just looked up some facts about maria menounos and it looks like she grew up in a town not too far from where i grew up and went to the same college as me and is also the exact same height as me. one can infer from these facts that we are spiritually linked in some way. maria is one of those things produced by american late capitalism that develops a sort of uncanny beauty of loving anonymity, like home depots and the parking lots of grocery stores at night. i said in the title that if the purge happened i would protect maria menounos but the truth is maria menounos used to be a professional wrestler and i’ve never held a gun so it’s much more likely that maria would be protecting me. in a way maria is protecting me- protecting us all- every time she manifests on screen. perhaps she is the patron saint of the amc. if you get to the theater early enough to see noovie and you are alone you will definitely become convinced that the movie theater as an institution is in its death throes no matter how many redditors with get-rich-quick schemes try to save it, but if the amc empire is falling then maria menounos is its salome, dancing the seven veils as john the baptist faintly heralds the coming of christ in the distance. 

when i got out of the theater it was much warmer and i did eventually get back into my apartment, though before i did so i had to walk down charles st which sucked cause it was full of people going out for friday night and i had just watched the forever purge alone.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!

 

i saw jerry garcia at trader joes 2018

do you believe in reincarnation?

i saw jerry man. it was jerry i s wear to god.  i saw jerry at the coolidge corner trader joes (jerry would nEVER shop at whole foods. dead and company have partnered with live nation). 

real soulful dude. right by the instant risotto. he has taken a new form - he is 78 jerry, good form, pre-brent (sorry brentheads)

the greatful dead are better than most 'alt' bands. it is beautiful to see people interact with guitar music openly and honestly and also try to be kind to other people while building a shared community. also the music is good <--- SINCERE STATEMENT

got me thinking about my past spiritual journeys (unrelated to the awesome store of the same name. 

went to see dead and co in 2018. still some of the same boys but they added that playboy john mayor. guy offered to ket me in the g hole within 5 minutres of being there for seventy dollars. i like dead and co because its the real guys. 

jrad are much better but half of the experience is eating a white devil's perverse idea of a burrito in the lot and looking for cool bootleg t-shirts while they play boring songs (standing on the moon) or good songs way too slow (shakedown street). anyway back to the k3t. i didnt do that or hit a nos2 balloon because i was really afraid of the xfinty center's concrete flooring and breaking my skull on it.

the hateful dead's logo is a skull. do you think that is a coincidence?

i want to apologize4 da brent hate earlier. brent is a good man. and i will take brent over any post 90 dead. anyway im thinking about seeing phish with same guy at hershey park in pa. i am a big fan of hersheys chocolate. do you think trey anatastaio will interact with the hershey park characters?

what about 'alternative lifestyle' chocolates like the symphony bar?

nothing left to do but post post post. 

i dont give a shit about fifth wave skramz or hyperpop or hexd music or whatever. im an adult and its help > slip > frank time.