You've been at your parent's house for a year and a half now. Plans that have been repeatedly pushed back are slowly burning from their crumpled edges. Last Friday you had a scream-crying breakdown to your sister on FaceTime. It was 3:00 AM and every option you considered for yourself felt increasingly hopeless. You start to spend your nights walking around town until you're completely tired out.
Fading All Away - Jay Reatard
You first heard this song at the beginning of the pandemic when you were packaging dog bandanas for your mom's friend's son's Instagram business. As you dance around the park there are flashes of wondering what someone would think if they saw you. No cars pass by.
American Music - Violent Femmes
Last night you watched a clip of the Violent Femmes performing in 2017. They let a kid pick the first song and had him stand on stage while they played his request (Blister in the Sun). In middle school a friend told you one of the teachers lived in these historical society buildings. He also told you that teacher chained a kid to a chair in detention. There are few streetlights.
I Won't Be Burned - Little Wings
You think you're singing pretty loud but you can't tell. You feel like a star on the crosswalk with a two car audience. A cop's headlights shine from the middle school parking lot. You were in the same class as the girl you're currently seeing but you don't recall interacting with her much. It makes it feel less weird. You get a text that says she's going to bed. She hopes all of your dreams come true.
Who Are You This Time - Tom Waits
You wonder if your music taste has become too homogenous. You think about putting something else on. No one knows what you're listening to. The stone bench with "Abortion Is Murder" carved in the front somehow slipped under your radar for a year of wandering town. You make a point to bring visiting friends to see it.
Fatalist Palmistry - WHY?
New music doesn't give you the same joy anymore. Anything previously unheard just annoys you. At least the usual songs get you high. Maybe you've heard everything you're ever going to enjoy. You pause to record audio of a train going by. You wish Richdale was open.
Oh Nina - The Muffs
I had invited her to go to Target with me. Some teens skipped by on the way in. They encouraged us to skip with them. She said she wanted to stock up on candy while she was there. When we returned to the lot there was a yellow slice of cheese plastered on my car windshield. Double-fisting a steering wheel and a half-eaten Twizzler I asked her if she wanted to go to my favorite parking garage.
I skinny-dipped for the first time in the pond near my house after a short-lived band's first gig. The night ended here, three of us watching the only member who could skate repeatedly fall beside an obstacle they couldn't clear.
"Where are the good sounds?" Her voice echoed through the garage. She kicked a can that rattled like metal fingernails against the pavement. My chuckle was cut off by a second kick. She did it a third time. My hand struck a metal pole in the corner. She picked up a rock and threw it across the lot. We didn't speak for 30 minutes.
I didn't tell her that I had always wanted to do this with someone. I didn't tell anyone else. I wouldn't know how.
When Love Breaks Down - Prefab Sprout
"My love and I, we work well together
But often we're apart
Absence makes the heart lose weight
Till love breaks down, love breaks down"
The abyssal valley behind the historical society buildings is more prominent this time. Coyotes howls lay claim to the land beyond the darkness. I am in the center of their unknown.
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