hello my uncle who is a blogger also

I have two gay uncles and they're gay together. I've seen them kiss and all that stuff. The one I'm referring to here is the one that's related to me by blood. He's considerably lamer than his husband who does awesome shit like play Final Fantasy, have a mom who fell off a bus, and be Dominican.

Somehow my gay uncle has managed to hold a significance in various friend circles throughout my life since high school. Pretty much everyone discovers him through facebook friend recs. Their intrigue comes from his name and the fact that all of his pictures look like this:

He has a really funny name that runs in the family. He's the third and final person to be given it as of right now. I thought there was controversy around it not being bestowed upon me at birth, but when I asked my mother about it she said that the only event that occurred around then was my great-grandfather being stabbed to death on a christmas tree farm he owned.

I probably shouldn't tell you my uncles' name, even though I really fuckin' want to. He recently disowned his own mother (my grandmother) and brother (my father) over some financial shit and I imagine he would do the same to me for a lot less. I probably shouldn't care. The man has consistently been pretty horrible to me throughout my teenage and adult life.

In the past year it was brought to my attention that his twitter looks like a bot. On a daily basis this dude is posting articles with titles like 5 Fun Things To Do With Your Kids, The Best Tiles To Use For Your Tile Floor, How To Avoid Being Poisoned, shit like that. Somehow no one had the idea to click on any of these articles until months after this discovery was made, which revealed an even funnier truth: My uncle was the one writing all of these.

Each article is either on a topic so fundamental to human existence that no one needs advice on it or something that this middle-aged gay realtor clearly has no intellectual jurisdiction over. As a childless dude, it's bizarre how many articles there are about raising kids. I'm sure he was a kid at some point but you don't learn how to torture someone by getting ball-gagged and titty-zapped. The man also seems to be incredibly paranoid about identity theft, as it is a reoccurring topic of obscure specificity. There's one article where he suggests you install a lazy river in your backyard in order to make your children happy.

I dunno, my uncle is just the first person I think of when a friend of mine asks if I wanna write for her fuckin' blog. I had a night riddled with insomnia for the first time in awhile, probably coz I keep thinking about this relationship in which that was a regular occurrence. Today was my first day interning at a studio and one of the engineers kept staring at the sliver of breast I currently possess. I'm guessing it had less to do with the breasts and more to do with the implied penis cooling in their shade.