so today i locked myself out of my stupid shitty apartment when i went out to get some cash from an atm which i have literally NEVER DONE BEFORE i NEVER GO OUT WITHOUT MY KEYS but i think it was some sort of butterfly effect shit having to do with keys. cause the other day i had another awful day trying to go get the keys copied so my pussy bitch realtor who said my apartment was “too messy” could get in and so now i have some sort of key curse put on me. it should have been a simple excursion but i unfortunately got sidetracked into a safdies-esque urban odyssey trying to find a public bathroom where i could peacefully take a shit. i can’t figure out exactly how those events caused me to forget to bring my keys today but i imagine there must be some sort of spiritual relationship on the fucking anima mundi because there really is no other explanation.
anyway because i was locked out of my apartment i decided to treat myself to a film at the good ole amc boston common 19. the selection offered a bounty of riches such as “black widow” and “the hitman’s wife’s bodyguard” but i eventually settled on “the forever purge,” having not seen any of the previous films in the purge franchise nor having any knowledge of purge lore, because the poster vaguely reminded me at the time of richard stanley’s 1990 sci-fi classic “hardware.” i chose poorly because the forever purge was in theater 1 which if you’re not familiar with the layout of amc boston common 19 means that you don’t even get the ride up the escalator so what the fuck is even the point.
there was a time not so long ago when the amc boston common 19 would open its heart to me and offer promises of friendship and wonder. not so anymore; it is now like love in the classic monkees song “i’m a believer”- meant for someone else, but not for me. when i entered the amc felt like a shallow husk, a lonely wasteland. i sat in the very back of the theater (when i have the option i always choose to sit in the very back of the movie theater) completely alone and shivered. the ac was cranked up even though it was kind of cold outside and my flimsy rain-damp jacket clung to me. i saw alita: battle angel there once and it was like “pretty good i guess” but i kept thinking about that memory and almost crying for some reason. i started wishing i had just gone to see black widow instead since there would have been other people there and i wouldn’t have felt like i was the only person in the world left alive.
i could write the armond white review of the forever purge in my sleep. it’s literally made for him to get mad about. if you’re a conservative who’s sincerely obsessed with the belief that contemporary hollywood is an arm of the liberal propaganda machine designed to cynically exploit gullible americans and make them turn against each other and possibly destroy america than there is no film that will confirm your beliefs better than the forever purge. the forever purge is a film for biden’s america. it is a film for people who tweet about the capitol hill riot like it was pearl harbor. the forever purge is a film which expects viewers to implicitly agree that rich racist whites are redeemable, good-at-heart family men and poor racist whites are execrable trash who are all one bad day away from going full stephen paddock. not to “”spoil anything”” but there’s a scene in the forever purge where the rich racist white character tells the illegal immigrant character that he doesn’t think white people are superior he just thinks everyone should stick to their own kind and you’re supposed to think like “oh he’s not not that bad.” oh yeah there’s also a wilhelm scream in one scene.
if you get to the theater early enough at amc they play this thing called “noovie” which advertises things that i guess don’t technically count as movie trailers like tv shows and “amazon originals” and encourages you to download an app to play some shitty arcade games. every time i try to imagine what circumstances would lead to someone downloading the noovie arcade app i feel very dark inside. noovie is most definitely a force for evil in the world but luckily it is hosted by the wonderful maria menounos who is most definitely a force for good. i just looked up some facts about maria menounos and it looks like she grew up in a town not too far from where i grew up and went to the same college as me and is also the exact same height as me. one can infer from these facts that we are spiritually linked in some way. maria is one of those things produced by american late capitalism that develops a sort of uncanny beauty of loving anonymity, like home depots and the parking lots of grocery stores at night. i said in the title that if the purge happened i would protect maria menounos but the truth is maria menounos used to be a professional wrestler and i’ve never held a gun so it’s much more likely that maria would be protecting me. in a way maria is protecting me- protecting us all- every time she manifests on screen. perhaps she is the patron saint of the amc. if you get to the theater early enough to see noovie and you are alone you will definitely become convinced that the movie theater as an institution is in its death throes no matter how many redditors with get-rich-quick schemes try to save it, but if the amc empire is falling then maria menounos is its salome, dancing the seven veils as john the baptist faintly heralds the coming of christ in the distance.
when i got out of the theater it was much warmer and i did eventually get back into my apartment, though before i did so i had to walk down charles st which sucked cause it was full of people going out for friday night and i had just watched the forever purge alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment