gender neutra bathroom at the

"IF YOU'RE NOT CONTRIBUTING ANYTHING THEN GET OUT!"

my impression of the crackhead who was walking by as i got out of the car this morning

i was early to work so i thought i'd chat him up

he thinks palestine should rebrand to a cooler name, the current one soudns too creepy

"like the name of a damn witch!"

he asked what i thought of gender neutral bathrooms

i told him the rape dungeon i frequent (as a victim, mind you) recently installed one

I need thousands of friends or I will die

I drove my neighbor to get Plan B for the second time this year

She got into the car livestreaming from her furry TikTok account which I'm told has a big following

I thought about giving her a lecture on how her boyfriend should be more careful

Walgreens and CVS were both out of it

I wondered where it all went

Probably into the stomachs of some cum-filled somebodies

She convinced me to drive her to an exotic pet store in New Hampshire

Not the craziest thing she convinced me to do this week

Snapped out of a trance last Tuesday after handing her a new e-cig

I was in the middle of having a breakdown over people always taking advantage of me

We stopped at a Walgreens near the pet store and finally found the B

I tried to open the plastic casing with my keys and accidentally scraped a few layers off of my thumb skin

She was playing songs off her phone that she had been listening to during her most recent visit to the psych ward

The Veggie Tales theme song

I finally got the box open at the gas station

I dropped it next to the brand new fish on her lap

First time I’ve had a fish in my car

When I got back in she dry swallowed the pill and asked if we could go to Petco to get a rat

I turned up the music and thought about being a rockstar

I might be doomed to be an artist

Me, Myself, and I: The 2021 AL Wild Card Game

 The sports rivalry: A cultural institution commonly misattributed to a byproduct of parochialism, a microcosm of the nationalism that feeds and is fed by the same air-blackening, water-slicking machine that chokes our turtles and forces us to choose between small pleasures now and livable comfort later (whatever that comfort may mean by that time). We - or those piss-beer-pounding Neanderthals that occupy the least-liminal centers of the norm in all their bellowing cissexuality, if you're one of those 'DUDE SPORTSBALL LMOA' types - root for the home colors because we've internalized, to whatever self-aware degree we may grant ourselves, the notion that our identity stems from the place we were born and is shared with everyone within a 200-mile radius of our high school - a tiny bit of nihilistic self-gratifying cryptofascist soil-based brotherhood...right? 

The Sox (Go Sox Love My Mom) and Yanks (cheaters), counting today, have played each other in the Wild Card round 8 times, more than any other duo in MLB history. A sports historian is likely to name it alongside Packers/Bears, Falcons/Saints, and Lakers/Celtics on the mountain of athletic rivalries. To a slice of America desperately struggling to remain relevant, it's among the greatest tickets they have to sell.

The 2021 AL Wild Card game opened at Fenway Park with Yankees 1st baseman Anthony Rizzo grounding out to Bobby Dalbec. Nathan Eovaldi, a first-time All-star in 2021, his numbers bolstered somewhat by Sox starting pitcher Chris Sale sidelined with injury, would go on to pitch the next five innings without giving up a run. He would eventually be subbed out in the top of the 6th for Ryan Brasier after Rizzo scored on a 79 mph curveball. It would be one of only two runs scored by the Yankees in the entire game. 

As I sit, watching the WeakStreams chat scroll past with the accumulated brain drool from an assorted selection of the foulest minds to ever be given a keyboard ("it's not gay if you like it," "​I like how they don't show the AT&T chicks tig o bitties in commercials anymore," and "I am from the future. A majority of population in 2045 is midgets" are among the nuggets that whiz by, along with some guy giving live updates of his chicken baking and one individual just posting "27 RINGS" over and over again), I find myself considering that, to actually get a big tiddie goth gf, you have to either have the kind of brain damage that makes you enjoy terrible mumble rap made by white suburbanites, or be exposed to a lot of it - because that's what those chicks are into.....

Gleyber Torres would hit a long, slow fly ball to center field, where it would be caught by the stock-still Hunter Renfroe to end the game at the top of the 9th: Sox 6, Yanks 2. The Sox, who for the first half of the season sat firmly atop - not just the AL East, not just the AL - the entire MLB, would have their record derailed by injuries and illness to key players, and ultimately fall in a number of regular-season series to the Yankees and, more fatally, the Rays, who now await them in the ALDS. We've ridden a late-season surge to the Wild Card game, and now past it into a full-blown playoff series, a solid bounce back from a 2020 season crippled by team manager Alex Cora being suspended from the league for participating in a sign stealing scandal while serving as bench coach for the Houston Astros. The series against the Rays may make for far more exciting baseball than the ALWC's firmly one-sided showing, but it lacks the punch of the rivalry.

Because the sports rivalry, far from a contrived pseudo-nationalism, is an extension of the psychological definition of the self: part of how we come to understand our own consciousness is by understanding where the consciousness of another begins. And part of how we come to understand our own limits - our passion, our enthusiasm, our fandom - is by finding not just that which engages us, but that which enrages us. The greatest heights of passion can come when one is forced to defend one's love from external forces, and in the sports rivalry, we find a greater depth of ourselves. 

walking around suburbia wednesday 11:30 PM playlist

You've been at your parent's house for a year and a half now. Plans that have been repeatedly pushed back are slowly burning from their crumpled edges. Last Friday you had a scream-crying breakdown to your sister on FaceTime. It was 3:00 AM and every option you considered for yourself felt increasingly hopeless. You start to spend your nights walking around town until you're completely tired out.

Fading All Away - Jay Reatard

You first heard this song at the beginning of the pandemic when you were packaging dog bandanas for your mom's friend's son's Instagram business. As you dance around the park there are flashes of wondering what someone would think if they saw you. No cars pass by.

American Music - Violent Femmes

Last night you watched a clip of the Violent Femmes performing in 2017. They let a kid pick the first song and had him stand on stage while they played his request (Blister in the Sun). In middle school a friend told you one of the teachers lived in these historical society buildings. He also told you that teacher chained a kid to a chair in detention. There are few streetlights.

I Won't Be Burned - Little Wings

You think you're singing pretty loud but you can't tell. You feel like a star on the crosswalk with a two car audience. A cop's headlights shine from the middle school parking lot. You were in the same class as the girl you're currently seeing but you don't recall interacting with her much. It makes it feel less weird. You get a text that says she's going to bed. She hopes all of your dreams come true.

Who Are You This Time - Tom Waits

You wonder if your music taste has become too homogenous. You think about putting something else on. No one knows what you're listening to. The stone bench with "Abortion Is Murder" carved in the front somehow slipped under your radar for a year of wandering town. You make a point to bring visiting friends to see it.

Fatalist Palmistry - WHY?

New music doesn't give you the same joy anymore. Anything previously unheard just annoys you. At least the usual songs get you high. Maybe you've heard everything you're ever going to enjoy. You pause to record audio of a train going by. You wish Richdale was open.

Oh Nina - The Muffs

I had invited her to go to Target with me. Some teens skipped by on the way in. They encouraged us to skip with them. She said she wanted to stock up on candy while she was there. When we returned to the lot there was a yellow slice of cheese plastered on my car windshield. Double-fisting a steering wheel and a half-eaten Twizzler I asked her if she wanted to go to my favorite parking garage.

I skinny-dipped for the first time in the pond near my house after a short-lived band's first gig. The night ended here, three of us watching the only member who could skate repeatedly fall beside an obstacle they couldn't clear.

"Where are the good sounds?" Her voice echoed through the garage. She kicked a can that rattled like metal fingernails against the pavement. My chuckle was cut off by a second kick. She did it a third time. My hand struck a metal pole in the corner. She picked up a rock and threw it across the lot. We didn't speak for 30 minutes.

I didn't tell her that I had always wanted to do this with someone. I didn't tell anyone else. I wouldn't know how.

When Love Breaks Down - Prefab Sprout

"My love and I, we work well together

But often we're apart

Absence makes the heart lose weight

Till love breaks down, love breaks down"

The abyssal valley behind the historical society buildings is more prominent this time. Coyotes howls lay claim to the land beyond the darkness. I am in the center of their unknown.

"2" at 9: stereogum consequence of sound pitchfork anniversery review

"i thought it was the beginning of something but it was the end." - Bill Eccleshred

one can imagine a time-vaulted hunter z. thompson (b. 1997)  writing on the high water mark,  the beautiful wave of ce-2 soaked indie rock music with accessible goodwill fashions (please, no PartyPoker apparel) conquering a paradise beyond the miasma, a return to nirvana, and sebadoh, and maybe the unknown has something for little old me with a few 9th fret triads and a dream. but it broke. and underneath all of the dab carts & cd-rs & tumblr dms is mac demarco 2. i was just a kid back then.

mac-dre demarco is a canadian nardwuar enthusiast, former garage rocker and 'psychadelic drug' (cigarette) smoker from seattle,washington. after getting his start with hot kisses with bad boys, desantis released "rock and roll night club" in march 2012, with 2 following shortly after. mark, a famous depop user and "vintage" head, used gear such as two tape machines and a tenga pleasure egg in the recording of this album. this technique, called 'lofi' music, stems back to the incoherece of bands like guided by voices and david sedaris.

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The summer of '13: Tumblr posts,  Bart Simpson crop top,  Red Arrow Diner,  The Shop, suppy, Marlboro Reds, Dookie and Astro Lounge, Grand Theft Auto IV mods, slam dance to pop music, tendermosh until the sun comes up, getting back home at 2 and begging your friends to come along before homeroom. Sure, I'll buy your tape. I can't wait to get out of this town. We're all in this together - it's got to mean something, it needs to mean something, surely it must mean something. Did it mean anything?

demarcus, after the release of this album, would catapult into worldwide catured tracks fame, appearing on alternative programs such as the eric andre show and fleabag. he retired at 36 for a quiet life in Pasadena, where he regularly contributes to his nextdoor account. 

"Its better to burn out or fade away" - man who has done neither ebeneezer scrooge

i went along with it all because well, i felt like i had to. i desperately wanted a great new something, and if this was just a revival of what felt like well kept secrets (hosono? crazy. ariel pink>? woah.), then at least it was something. i'm from new england, what am i supposed to know about garage rock. what do i care about your fast food tape label (good luck with that one now). we have a guy, and he smokes cigarettes, and makes funny internet jokes. it all ended with salad days. but 2, man, hes being crazy with meredith graves on mtv vibes. remember that? remember legacy media? fifteen years ago, i could have gotten a job writing the pop ups during VH1 Pop Up Video with dope facts (Michael Jackson would get his start in family band The Jacksons 5). but no. well, at least its better than the shit now. maybe folk punk was always bad, and maybe all the surf punk did sound the same. but it was just like height-ashbury man. was it about the music? i think it was about the music.

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It was my first time doing anything like that. I'm glad you came. I wish I was better at bass. Sometimes I don't know, so I talk, and you laugh, and then you say much more profound things, and I think about the fact that we all ended up back here last year, and that we all run away or become townies, but either way we end up adults. There's nothing really remarkable about this place at all, or any of them. I think what was remarkable was everyone had this thing, for a while. I think all this next to you, and then I don't. Fog builds up on your backseat car windows.

in eighty years, with rock music clutching on for dear life and slowly, pathetically dying in tandem with the united states, as your neurons start to die (maybe that cbd stuff they sell at the mall could help), when they hook me up with some bluetooth headphones (we never really invented anything better) at the death shack, ill still think that sherill is the weakest track.

TAGS IN THIS ARTICLE Ariel PinkJulian CasablancasMac DeMarcoThe StrokesThe VoidzTrain

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I still want something around. Anything, really. I know it feels like it's worse, that we've seen it all, and I know when I'm with you, it doesn't solve anything. I'm still here, parking lot spirit circle. Maybe I still know the score - Capo 5 freaks that take it all too seriously, ten blokes in graphic black long-sleeves dishing gossip and double 'PAs and surely you're the weird one. Fear not brothers & sisters - we shall prevail. Live on.

GIRL TIPS

So you wanna get some pussy , huh???

Why not, you know? Its been two months since your last attempt and three since you tried to fuck somebody. Maybe if you just lower your standards a little and go for someone who may not be the most attracti-

Yeah? What did you think of that? It doesn't feel too good, does it??? Well let me clue you in on something buddy:

That pain is nothing compared to the agony of sleeping with an ugly person.

Your panicked hyperventilating is warranted and I will kindly wait with crossed arms as you calm yourself down, but once you're finished with that little hissy fit be prepared to have your life changed forever. That's right, I'm here to make you the most fuckable person at your local club, dive bar, family gathering, and everything in between. Say goodbye to the days of sending screenshots held up by a dribble of text reading "How do I talk to this girl?" in your group chats.

------Disclaimer------

These methods have mainly been tested (effectively, mind you) on lesbians whose looks range from the taste of beige chalk to cute in the "can effectively pull off a mustache" way. Their personalities range from tolerably quirky to genuinely cool (rare) to some of the most abhorrently obnoxious people this world has to offer (common).

It also should be noted that I am a girl with an actual penis. Flesh, blood and, until recently, cum. This makes me attractive to a very particular niche of lesbian: those who felt pressured into fucking dudes in high school. My body provides them a comforting sense of familiarity without having to jeopardize their dykeness.

Final thing: These methods are so effective they will most likely cause the chick to fall in love with you.

1. Never make eye contact

Really you just need something that keeps them questioning whether or not you're into them. Pretend you're talking to another version of yourself rather than a separate person. They'll rationalize that you're autistic and girls dig that.

2. Be the least fuckable version of yourself imaginable

Train yourself to forget what sex is. Constantly pull "deal-breaker" moves. If they want it then they want it. Put em through the damn wringer. This will especially pay off when you're finally getting it on and you're a freaking sex god!!!

3. Bear your soul as much as you can without revealing anything about yourself

Any "real" questions this person has for you are completely irrelevant. Answer with half-jokes that only you understand. Laugh at everything you say. If they don't join in, laugh harder. Widen your eyes, really push the grin. If all else fails, order more appetizers. I imagine this is all happening in a 99 Restaurant.

4. Texting sux!!!

Chances are your subject is going to be unbelievably dry when it comes to digital exchange. The key in this scenario is to completely control the field. Some go-tos for me are constantly sending pictures of what I'm doing (flash on always) and hitting them with relentless hypotheticals. A few off the top of my head: If an iPad had a real pussy and face would you take care of it if you found it covered in piss? If you were a room in an abandoned mental hospital, which room would you be? Where would you crash a plane if you could do it anywhere on Earth with no repercussions? Which part of Rod Stewart would you trap your worst enemy in for all eternity?

5. NEVER BE SELF-DEPRECATING

I know it's "trendy" now or whatever the fuck but c'mon. You gotta have swag!! Erase the word "suicide" from your vocabulary. Maintain the expression of your dad in sauna. Never say that you are bad at anything. There is a good chance you're talking to someone that would take any doubt you're useful and sledgehammer it into the bedrock.

Vim - leather and Lace

 https://youthagainstsatan.bandcamp.com/album/leather-n-lace