Wednesday, April 3, 2024

something we can all be proud of

 Get Up.

"i am sitting on the porch. i am listening to aimee mann. its hailing right now. i remember camping with my parents and it started hailing and the hail was the size of walnuts and I thought they were going to pierce through everything."

"i have been dressing a lot like I did when I was 19, 20. green jacket, the green jackets. specifically the one that was covered in blood in that one photo. 

"that poor girl
needs some help"
a million nights pass by effortless. something remains. most anything makes me cry. most anything makes me convulse against my will. i dont know if theyre seizures. i just feel something grinding and my eyes go wide and my muscles move and contort and lock and then move to another position like someone fucking with a ragdoll in gmod. "

What do you see right now?


"i see text messages, telegram messages that are long deleted. i see kik messages from guys threatening to kill themselves because i got scared of talking to them. i see this guy, this guy i sort of knew from online, a few years older than me, we'll call him aaron, he kept trying to get me to listen to folk punk, and like, crust punk music, like he was really into all this stuff and the voices just sounded annoying to me, and he would ask me what porn i was watching, he would tell me when he was jerking off and would send me the videos he was watching and then i did the same for him because he wanted me to and i hadn't really experienced that before. he was the first person to see my penis in a sexual context, i think i was 14? 15? he was maybe 16, 17."



"kik was bad but telegram was even worse for me i think. i met a lot of bad people, people i dont want to talk about. people are so nice at first but then morph into right wing weirdos who want you murdered. i was also in these chats that were like, it was from these subreddits of guys that jacked off together and shared wgat porn they were watching and i was in those and watched videos they sent of them jacking off and sent videos of me jacking off."

Why did you do it?


"i, uh, i just wanted to be wanted. i wanted to be wanted. i felt so unwanted, i felt disgusting, ugly, stupid. i just wanted to be wanted. i wanted to see the guys and pretend i was touching them and they were touching me. i, there was another telegram chat, of these guys from [REDACTED FASHION FORUMS], thats where i met aaron, they would tell me how ugly i was, they told me about my chin and jaw and pallor and how skinny and deformed and fucked up i looked and how every haircut i got made me look worse and they would make threads on 4chan about me about how ugly i was and everyone in the threads was agreeing. i was ugly and deformed and worthless and everything i said was stupid and i was not worthy of being wanted."





What else?


"i have been dressing a lot like I did when I was 19, 20. my first day in outpatient there was a scary meth guy that i thought was funny at first, because like, it was a queer outpatient group and it was all like 18-30 year old trans people mostly and then this crazy scary meth guy and he would actually participate in the discussions but he would just make all his commentss centered around how cool and good meth was. he had a big box with him with his stuff in it and like an hour before the day was over he started rummaging around and saying like, 'i got something here, this is gonna change your life, if you had something like this, your life would be irreparably changed' and he pulled out this box that looked just like i remember as a kid like the same exact size and shape white cardboard box that they give you handguns in when you buy them at the gun store and i ran outside and bawled and screamed and my right hand started rubbing uncontrollably against my left shoulder like this uncontrollable tic and no one helped me no one tried ot help me and i had to wait for an hour outside for it all to be over and i ended up ust sitting in the lobby rocking back and forth doing this rubbing tic cryying for like 2 more hours and no one helped me."


"i collapsed again at work on saturday. everything just kept building up and up and up. near the end, i was stumbling around just crying and manically repeated to myself "nothing ever stops spinning." i kept almost falling, i kept slumping but i kept going because i need the money you know, and i dont want it to be real when its happening, because its not something physiological so it cant be real right like im making it up like im making everything else up?"



What does it feel like when you collapse?

"

"its not fainting. the people at work ask me if i fainted the people in hospital ask me if i fainted my friends ask if i fainted this is not. fainting this is something else. there is no loss of consciousness, only dulling. the body falls, the mind follows, slowly, trailing after. it feels more like a machine breaking down, the knees buckle, everything weak. everyone tells me i need to eat more food drink more water but thats not it thats not it thats not it thats not fucking it its its its itsits its its from the mind its from the mind and it wont stop i just want to not be here please god things didnt things didnt thingsdidnt always be like this i didnt always be li i didnt always used to be like this 



"i dont really know what i was expecting to gain from this, from relaying this to you. its not a ploy at pity, i dont care about that anymore i dont care about any of these fucking people anymore. and i dont want to die, i am terrified of death. i guess that

i guess i just thought it would help."


"it isnt all so bad you know, like there are so many people and things in my life i am thankful for every day."


"are you still there?"







"i wonder if there is an end to hate."





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