eating pretzel rods again.... fucked

Eating pretzel rods again.... so fucked

It is like eating pieces of wood - with each bite I am taking greater pleasure in these imaginary mouth splinters than a _____maniac could ever take in _____ - not by far though.

Has this ever happened to you?

oscar pistorius in the puffy chair

 

oscar pistorius in the puffy chair

with the filmmakers

The Meal Aziz Ansari Ate Before He Did the Claw on that Woman: An Investigative Report

Sometime in 2017, Aziz Ansari stuck his index finger and his middle finger into his mouth and then shoved them into the vagina of an anonymous woman who later wrote about the experience for babe dot com. 

Sometime in 2019, Aziz Ansari walked out to the cool refreshing sounds of Lou Reed's voice and performed a standup set about how much things started to suck for him after he did the maneuver previously mentioned (now dubbed by upwardly mobile urban youth as the claw). 

Sometime in 2021, after JFK Jr. crawls onto the shore of Martha's Vineyard and becomes the first and last Ayatollah of America he will make sure that Aziz Ansari is the first Get Him to the Greek cast-member to be put to the sword. This much is known.

Pictured: the meal

Like it or not, the photo taken at the dinner by the anonymous claw-ee is probably the single greatest piece of photographic art created in the 21st century. It's unprentious and yet still incredibly profound. It feels like an image I have seen a million times before and will see a million times again before the day I die. Wheater you know it or not, it is so deeply ingrained in the collective subconscious that some people might only know things made that refer back to things that refer back to it. You dream about the picture. If you think you don't, you do. You just don't know it yet.

The now famous "Aziz Ansari lobster roll dinner photo" has been a constant presence in my own life since the day I first saw it. I would say that it exists as something like a Zapruder film for our time. Recently I got to thinking. How much do I actually know about the photo?

The anonymous woman quoted in Babe says that Aziz took her to a "historic NYC oyster bar" named Grand Banks. I knew what had to be done immediately. I called up the restaurant and was promptly directed to their off-site offices. I've included a rough transcript of our conversation over the phone below. 

Poor woman who works in the office of the "historic NYC oyster bar" Grand Banks: Hello. This is the office of Grand Banks, a historic NYC oyster bar.

Brave Journalist: Hello. How are you doing?

PWWWITOOTHNYCOBGB: I'm doing well. Thank you. How about you?

BJ: Great. My name is Theodore Fukuyama-Greenberg. I'm an investigative reporter from the Philadelphia Herald. I'm writing a story about the connections between the fishing industry and the events of January 6th. Did you know that somewhere between 4-6% of people arrested in connection to the riots had some affiliation with either the fishing or seafood business?

PWWWITOOTHNYCOBGB: I had no clue. Wow.

BJ: I was wondering if I could get a copy of your menu from...I don't know...maybe the summer of 2017? It would really help out with some of the research.

PWWWITOOTHNYCOBGB: Hmmm. I don't know if we keep records of menus. I don't know how much I could help you out with that. 

BJ: I understand. I just want to let you know we think that we're really close to something here. Something that we think can fundamentally change both the fabric of American society and the seafood industry forever...and for the better. If you can find any menu from 2017, and I mean anything, you'll bring us all the more closer to figuring out what really happened on that day. You'd be doing me a small service but you'd also be doing a huge favor for all Americans.

PWWWITOOTHNYCOBGB: Let me talk to my boss real quick.

I was placed on a brief five-minute hold.

PWWWITOOTHNYCOBGB: Okay, I called my boss and he called the IT guy and he did some digging. We have a PDF of the menu from 2017 on an email that was archived but never deleted. I can email that to you right away.

BJ: Thank you so much! You're the best.

PWWWITOOTHNYCOBGB: No, you're the best. Who knows what would happen to this country without the work of you brave journalists?

BJ: It's all part of a day's work ma'am. My email is theodorefukuyamagreenberg@gmail.com. Looking forward to hearing from you later today.

A few minutes later she sent me a PDF of the very same document that Aziz held in his hands that fateful summer night. 

Before we get any further, let's first take stock of what exactly is visible in the picture. Four plates (two for serving and two for appetizers), two forks, two knives, one glass of white wine, one glass of water, a lobster roll, what I'm guessing is a side salad (not listed anywhere on the menu but mentioned in the article), a plate of fries with two dipping sauces (spiced ketchup and sage aïoli according to the menu), and a portion of Aziz Ansari's torso.

From this, we can begin to guess how much Aziz Ansari paid for dinner.

$26 for the Lobster Roll

$8 for the French Fries

$60 for a bottle of white wine¹.

After a 20% tip and the 8.875% tax that New York City puts on processed food, the total comes out to $122.81². 

The more you look at the image the less things make sense. What is Aziz doing eating a lobster roll on a date? Why do those french fries look so busted? Why is this Google banner three dollar sign restaurant serving wine out of stemless Ikea wine glasses? Why is the anonymous woman's silverwear at that angle. That seems like the exact angle that silverwear would never end up at. Is this some kind of heterosexual hanky code³?

I was stuck at this impass for a while, just staring down the barrel of Aziz's inner elbow, racking my brain for some path forward. Then it hit me.

Claw. Lobster Claw. The lobster claw. 

Celebraties aren't twisted enough to think they're just entitled to eat a lunch food like a lobster roll for dinner. A person who owns the amount of Criterion Blurays as Aziz must have the brain power to think 20 to 30 steps ahead. Once you realize this one sick truth the whole image cracks wide open.

Aziz planted the article. 

Using his expert level reasoning, he anticipated the second wave of #MeToo allegations. Moreover, he foresaw the wave of "soft-cancelation" that would forever change the media landscape. He knew that planting a story in babe dot com would both earn him some social capitol in some circles and buy him some time to really slam it out of the park with Master of None Presents: Moments in Love (now steaming on Netflix). It was all part of the plan.

At that exact moment, right as I realized the grand macinations behind Aziz's dinner, my landline phone began to ring. I didn't even know that I had a landline phone. 

The mystery caller had a high pitched energetic voice. I've tried my best to transcribe the conversation below but to be honest my hands were shaking and my memory is very blurry.

Mystery Caller: HEY! It's uh...Sha...Shasmeez. Shasmeez Agave.

Brave Journalist: Hi. Hello.

MC: There's word going around on the street that you're asking questions. Stinking your nose in places they might not belong.

BJ: I have no clue what you're talking about.

MC: Sage aïoli is a perfectly normal sauce to dip fries in. Yes the fries do look like they would be served at an ice skating rink! That's the point. It's ironic! It's loving pastiche! Just like what Aziz Ansari did with Bicycle Theif and Fellini movies in the award winning season opener of the second season of Master of None. It's all intentional. 

BJ: Who is this? Who is this really?

MC: I could make you're like a living hell but I really don't want to do that! Do you know how many open micers I could sic on you? How many podcast hosts would listen to my every order no matter how violent or insane it sounded? Some of those podcasts are pretty well listened to in Philadelphia too. Lots of listeners in Philadelphia. You don't know how deep this goes. You're playing with forces you couldn't even begin to understand. You ever wonder what happened to Raaaaaaaandy⁴? You don't know how quickly I can make someone disappear.

BJ: Why didn't they send me a wine list? What are you hiding?

MC: You're making a mistake. Stop investigating the "historic NYC oyster bar" Grand Banks. Stop investigating the dinner that Aziz had that night. Stop calling attention to the positions of the forks. Stop doing your brave journalistic inquiries. Even if it means that democracy must die in darkness, stop asking questions!

BJ: Listen here Shasmeez and listen good. The people have a right to know. That's what a journalist does. He knows things and then writes them down so other people can know them too. He digs deep into the swollen infected wound of truth and finds the juciest little pus nodules to share with the world. 

The mystery caller groaned and hung up the phone. 

What do we know about what happened that day at that "historic NYC oyster bar?" What invisible forces guide the hand of comedy? Who orders a lobster roll for dinner on a date? Some of these questions might never be answered. What I can tell you is this though. I will continue to report the truth until the day I die.

This is Theodore Fukuyama-Greenberg from the Philadelphia Herald signing off.

---

1 Unfortunately the wine list was not included in the PDF I received. The anonymous woman interviewed for the article specifically says that Aziz ordered the entire bottle. There's one bottle of white wine listed on the menu at the time of writing priced at $62. For the rest of the article, I'm going to go ahead and assume that the bottle of wine that day was priced at $60 based on inflation.^↩
2 If Aziz Ansari came to the restaurant I waited tables at and didn't tip 20% I probably would have gone out and gunned down Ringo Starr while holding a DVD copy of Master of None Season 2^↩
3 Adrian would like you to know that they came up with the joke hetrosexual hanky code. I will say I pointed out the silverwear.^↩
4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKwiz7451OY^↩

the ski trip at the end of every neurological highway

The memory of a Boy Scout ski trip I went on as a child has repeatedly entered my mind over the past few months. My knowledge of cum at the time leads me to believe that it was probably the winter of 2010/2011. My cum informant was there alongside me, as he was a fellow Boy Scout of America (this was back when I had a penis). The previous summer he had taught me how to masturbate while hovering three feet above me. He refused to climb down to the bottom bunk as we stroked our dicks coz that would be gay, so I was taught how to do it without a visual reference. The way in which I jacked off on my first outing involved way more friction than it should have and the next morning I woke up with open sores all over my penis. I ran to the bathroom to apply band-aids before immediately realizing that this was a bad idea. I spent the next hour wincing in pain as I slowly peeled each one off of my dick skin.

Five months later I was on a mountain, riding ski lifts and obsessively referencing the Laser Collection with the dude who had technically given me my first orgasm. The kid's dad who had driven us there had just gotten a GoPro and would excitedly show us POV footage of him skiing next to us after each run. At one point my friend was entrusted with the GoPro and we rushed to the terrain park to film ourselves pussying out of the smallest jumps they had to offer.

Our Scout troop was staying at an oversized cabin that carried one undersized television. This was meant to provide incentive for the kids to fully submerge themselves in the cottage-living experience. The TV was set on a channel that played Terminator 2 and Spider Man 2 back to back. I caught bits and pieces of both as I went back and forth between the main floor to grab Sunny D and the loft upstairs to hide from the other Scouts.

Finding a shred of confidence, I made my way down to the older kids territory in the basement. Upon entrance I was immediately pulled aside, handed a shaken up can of Fresca, and instructed to hold it so the older kids could throw darts at it. With each needle-sharp dart wizzing by my face I held back a growing batch of tears. After a handful of misses one of the boys frustratedly walked up to me and punctured the can by hand. The pack cheered as soda sprayed all over the carpet floor.

The next morning we woke up to find one Scout had pulled a prank on another by ejaculating in his sleeping bag. I was still holding the can of Fresca that my friend and I had cut open the night before to make a portable campfire in. No one told the adults about the cum coz that would be gay.

Many of my recollections these days center around my time in the Scouts, even though they are amongst my least precious memories. I bet my friend would be happy to hear that he's not gay anymore. Not that he has time for me, he's busy making millions off of Portable Campfires.

allston grind mindset

u know how i get so much pussy dude? u wanna onow how i got all this cash all this dosh all this swagger?? allston grind mindset. alston grindset. its about efficiency. i dont buy groceries, i dont buy food unless i need to. cigarette priority. stay hydrated by any means necessary. take a look at my day today and make sure u have a pen n paper

woke up today at 1 pm in my girls bed, right after a night of slanging thang. thats right. dont shower, it slows me down dont ever shower unless u need to i havent showered in 4 days. she buys me dunkin donuts iced coffee. gives me concerta.i listen to waves by kanye west.

1 PM TALLY: 0 DOLLARS

friend picks me up from her house drives me home. i go to the convenience store and get the cheapest cigs they have (THIS blu 100s, 8 dollars) and a garorade (blue, 1.50). i listen to waves by kanye west

3 PM TALLY: 10 DOLLARS

apply for some GAY ASS JOBS. some GAY ASS JOBS. smoke some cigarettes start writing the greatest pop song uve never heard buddy. i listen to waves by kanye west.

7 PM TALLY: 10 DOLLARS

start getting a little hungy. even grinders like me gotta eat. walk to burger king, closed. walk to cdonald. forgot my wallet. whatever, love the exercise. i listen to waves by kanye west

9 PM TALLY : 10 DOLLARS

start walking to the stu to do dope shit. stop at 7/11, plain boneless wings kebab, 3 dollars. no time for sauce. 1 dollar scratcher, don't win, never let small setbacks get u down. headphones in waves by kanye west

10 PM TALLY: 14 DOLLARS

eat wings off stick whilewalking down north beacon street. first meal of the day concerta is pumping in me. act like coked up asshole wear sunglasses indoors and make a fool of myself for 2 hours. its raining a bit walk home while chugging water bottle with the little flip cap and nipple (free). smoke a cigarette. get home my broads in my bed. lay down, listen to waves by kanye westoff phone speaker

TODAY'S TALLY: 14 DOLLARS

my son added me to this bullshit facebook group (2039 SNEAK PEEK)

i feel so fucking old now (im 41). i just wanna listen to my music in peace. no1 would even use facebook anymore if we weren't told to

ANYONE ELSE STILL "JAMMING" TO CLASSIC 2010S-2020S MUSIC DURING THESE DIFFICULT TIMES? HOW HAVE YOU COPED WITH YOUR MOISTURE SECTOR/CLIMATE RESTRICTIONS?

i got the kate upton kat daddy blues knockin around in the cvs pharmacy

 crossin up the midget see vee ess employee (t-bone stanley the four three best) with the spiderman licensed bounce ball buzzin beater into the bin fore security tales me to the mike n ikes for causing a disturbance to the reeses piece. fake out pivot left to the magazines. ha. "kate upton. (any questions?) athletes in body-paint."

 i think i did not looker in the eyes once. thanks for the iPod touch wallpaper ha. the longer i can see the tighter porcupine makes my tech fleece joggers. security is still on my tail and the fundip in my pocket is droppin a trail that makes me a sittin duck. so i clamp my eyelids down until they are closed and her scarlet bikini bald pussy get replaced with dark. reach forward and stuff the mag into the waistband of my tech fleece and high tail out to the school suepplies. when i finally reopen my eyes i realize too late that im still wearing the 3D shades from the 12:30 matinee of Ozz the great and the  powerful and that im in a old school  cvs that hasn't yet coded they store blue-red for my right-left to see to see in full dimension..  having to make it do i find some crayolas off the top shelf while putting the security guard to the back of my mind and plop criss cross appeldeapple sauce on the rug. i take kate from my band waist and start colorin her in in with the blue and red til they are nubs to bring her to my 3D world. coloringg too fierecely on kate i tire out my wrists. big mistake. now i cant even juice my goose neck what was the point of all the trouble. resigned i duckwalk past the security guard so he mistake me for t-bone stanley down here, all the way to the frozen foods section and i put my hand on ice with the chocotacos until im all heeled up and ready. after a few minutes im good to goose and slide out of my tech fleece and reach into my polo boxers (i got horses in the places u cant even see so don't think im not about it) and boom i look at kate and she is full 3D and i say hello and roll up the the mag and swat my fly. of course i got too excited by this and edge almos immediate and my ears start making the alarm noises they do when i get too close. the guard peekaboos from behind the cool ranch doritoos with a grin and grabs the color of my keep calm chive on fitted tee and tosses me out the automatic doors while im sprayin in my tech fleece. cuz the joggers are cuffed at the bottom all the shoot stores up and water balloons my pants up.  i charlie brown to my blue mongoose and 3D kate gets on my pegs and we ride back sticky and ruined. cruel cruel world. 

I'm posting this from the Apple Store right now

My mom brought me to the natick mall and im at the apple store lol. They just let you go on these imacs and look up cool websites. 40 year old guy in lands end button down looked up some hardcore porn next to me (13 inch Macbook Air) before opening up garageband and failing to understand piano roll aka 'musical' typing.

I'm opening up the webcam. Looking dope as hell. Gonna get mom to let me look at the jcrew next door (sale section). My background is the moon, or a roller coaster, or maybe even posturized. Cant believe this shit is called an iPad lol 

Lets get down to business before I log off..

Top 3 trolls to do at the apple store:

1) Play South Park Apple Parody (Epic) 

What r they gonna do turn it off? Freedom of speech

2) Pull up Tux Doing Dope Shit & Leave

3) iDance :D

Theres a microsoft store here too lol. But they have KINECT outside. Ngl looks kinda fun. Off 2 food court... Taco bell time.

Assorted Thoughts on Y2K Revival Hyperpop + The Upcoming "Iraq War Moment"

A lot of people think I don't like hyperpop. Sure, I think a lot of it is lazy and relies on reference/epic-spork humor for epic-spork humor's sake, but I think there's some good stuff. Like any young genre, INFLUENTIAL GENRE DEFINING SCENESTERS such as 100 Gecs, Million Dollar Extreme and Dorian Electric will pop up and iconoclasts such as myself will be silenced. For the record, I think there has been only one good hyperpop single in 2021 so far - (No Rome's "Spinning", which like the best pop house music, sounds like braindead Sex in the City shopping montage music). So I've been thinking.

I hope Lorde's song and Vampy Weeks get people to listen to this again. It's like a lobotomized Screamadelica and somehow one of the best pop records of all time.

Anytime I go on Depop, I'm flooded by Gen Z freakazoids raiding their local Salvation Army and Savers superstores listing random garbage (family reunion tees, loose bionicle limbs, sodexo uniforms) as #Y2K. The revival of Y2K aesthetic isn't true Y2K - it's a combination of aesthetics that don't match: loose late 90s rave culutre, normcore 7+ years out from Hey QT/THAT normcore article, and embrace of typical 20 year-rose tinted kitch. These 'sickos' embrace this because it lets them dress in monocolored sweatsuits like the adult children they aspire to be. The best of the bunch will flowers for algernon themselves into even poorer fashion the more research chemicals they consume. In CONCLUSION: This unsustainable collection of vibes will lead today's youth to make the same mistakes as the past.

i like to imagine this was ghostwritten by max martin (b. 1971)

If we do subscribe to the 20 year cycle - alt/indie/[whatever people that make guitar or electronic music call themselves and their fans then] people and artists will inevitably have their "Invasion of Iraq" moment.

Ugly, distressed, masc, "safe" bullshit. The return of mainstream "rock" music saving us from the towers falling and Janet's nipple (pre Bain Capital buying iH@rtMedia/ClearCH@nnel during the financial crisis - furthering the CCM/ImagineDragonfication of radio rock). 

So think U2 at their most conservative and least inspired (How to Dismantle-era). Photoshop distressing. Britney's Blackout. Daily Show Onion liberal cynicism that directly says fuck you.

You will pay $80 for this shirt on Depop in 2+ years.

Of course, you're "cool and alt" and wondering what the alternative to this new mainstreamed-alternative is? 500 Days of Summer shitcore twee revival. Get ready.

Do you think you'll still be fuckable with this and sweatbands on? Can you cum while Piazza New York Catcher is playing? Comment below.

profound aesthetic sadness

in 2019 i was preparing to host a themed party to raise money for some dumb college art bullshit, talking themes with my crew: harmless bedroom pop fan (20, f, usa) and pickup artist ex marine (26, m, rotating cube in his mind). 

the exmarine looks me in the eye and says: how about epic mustaches. 

i recoil in horror as i reconsider my entire life, the vain pursuit of fashion and "hipness" and the libidinal death drive of youth culture being swallowed whole in a accelerationist dysentery-loop. i immediately understand why mark fisher killed himself.

i think little lion man is an OK song

review of the popeyes spicy chicken sandwich: a sigma male's perspective

 

i forgot to eat all day because i woke up at noon and took my first dose of adderall at noon and then i pretended to read but mostly just dicked around on facebook trying to see what quirky new israeli cities everyone i knew in middle school would be living in next year. i lost a bunch of weight in the past couple of months on adderall because i don't really have a set eating schedule which leads to me skipping a lot of meals. i'm afraid i'll look like michel houellebecq by the end of the year which sucks because by nature i'm a rounder oval type jew (as opposed to the sinewy line type jews).

the once proud nation of france's answer to bo burnham. 

by the end of the day i was fiending for some greasy grub to dump into my gaping gullet so i hopped into my car and floored it all the way down the road to popeyes.

there was one woman working inside the popeyes. that's not really true. there was one woman who was like working the counter and also bagging all the orders and also cleaning the shit spayed on the bathroom walls. the last part is true. in the middle of ordering my popeye's spicy chicken sandwich someone came out of the bathroom and informed the kind woman taking my order that someone had sprayed liquid shit all over the walls. talk about a case of the wednesdays. 

 i put in some headphones and started jamming out to yung lean's classic 2016 album warlord while drinking a large frosty plastic cup of diet pepsi. 

this is where the sigma male mindset comes in. the most dangerous animal in the world is a fella on his grind. more ferocious than a tiger. more cunning than a jungle cat. more motivated than a cat who lives in the jungle. 

abundance mindset vs. scarcity mindset: anyone from an omega male to a straight-up alpha wouldn't dare ask the woman behind the counter for a side of the mardi gras mustard if they knew they had some kind of leftover honey mustard at home. that's abundance mindset. it's weak. a sigma male wouldn't do that though. a sigma male is not afraid of taking what's his. i walked right up to that counter and asked the lady working at popeyes if i could get a side of mardi gras mustard even though i had my own honey mustard back at home. that's scarcity mindset.

i ate my spicy chicken sandwich in the car and drank my plastic cup of diet pepsi through a straw and i pretended i was breastfeeding from the teat of mother pepsi. the sandwich was pretty gross as far as normal food goes but as fast food it felt nice to stick a brick of matter into my stomach. 

spicy chicken sandwich from popeyes gets an 8/10

diet pepsi gets an 8.5/10

warlord by young lean gets an 8.5/10

sigma mindset gets a 10/10

wednesdays gets a 4/10

adderall gets a 9/10

facebook gets a 3/10

isreal gets a 4/10

watto gets baptized

i am good friends with a little alien you might know. he has a little trunk like a baby elephant, he has beautiful wings like an angel, and he comes from the planet of toydaria. no i'm not trying to name-drop here. i'm not like your friend who claims that he smoked weed with the guys from dinosaur jr. behind a food truck that sells "fucked-up psychopathic elotes." this is for real. i am friends with watto and recently watto has come to christ.

many think that my friend watto is jewish. that is simply not true. they don't have a lot of jews on the planet of toydaria. i don't know why they just don't make it out there a lot. watto was kind of an agnostic type guy. he didn't really grow up with religion. he was too busy buying and selling slaves on the desert planet of tatooine. 

would hate to be one of watto's little busted ass slave boys

recently though watto has been taking an interest in christianity. it started with little things. whenever i had a meal with watto he would pray before he started eating. watto started putting a bunch of hyper-detailed crucifixion sculptures on the wall just like my filipino friend's mom did in middle school. watto stopped making love to his girlfriend which certainly caused some friction (she left him recently and moved back home with her parents). 

then one day he came to me and asked me what i would think if he chose to get baptized. i said i would support him. we called up a priest and booked a date for the ceremony. 

watto's baptism was the event of the century. everyone was there. han solo, plo koon, nute gunray, sebulba the podracer, darth maul, boss nass, depa billaba, wat tambor, and even the brave twi'lek jedi aayla secura 

uhhhhhhh sorry what was i saying again

the priest baptised watto and now watto is saved. i tried to chat up aayla secura at the ceremony after but she seemed kinda busy so i just ate a cheese danish and hung out for a while. i saw her on hinge later but she didn't match with me.

hiiiiiiiii 🥺

 Hemlo smol bean puppers xD

I’m vewwy sowwy yoah Tweet, Tiktok, Spotify upload, Soundcloud mixtape, and blog post awen’t doing numbews Xd

I’m vewwy sowwy ouh cultuwe peaked in 2012 and now all of ouh music, art, and film awe going thwough a widespwead adolescent cwisis miwwowing the seawch for identity all of us awe going thwough whewe nobody can figuwe out how to dwess, sound, pwesent ouh genduh identity, ohr act and all of us awe spending ouw 20’s as placeless as any genewation befowe. That ouw piss-poow economic outlook creates a matewial rootlessness which does, as we all suspected but hoped to nevew discovew foh suwe, infohm ouh cultuwe and it reawwy wooks wike we’we going to spend the west of ouw youths bouncing awound cheap apawtments in neighbowhoods as despewate to wook wike late-00’s Bwooklyn as we are - an economic uncewtainty accompanied by an equally strong musicaw puhgatowy.

I’m sowwy music cwiticism has been wepwaced by the algowithm and now thewe's nothing weft to define musicaw twends as time passes.

I'm sowwy you didn't get in on Gamestop earwy enough and you still haven't been up since Januawy and you think about sewwing evewy day just to cut youh wosses and move on but you hold on wike a wewigious fundamentawist pwomised a chance at salvation.

I’m sowwy youah aunt doesn’t want the vaccine and no mattuh how wowwied about her you tell her you awe she doesn’t cawe and you’we pwetty suwe she’s going to die in the next yeaw because of it.

I’m sowwy you didn’t cop the new AMBUSH dunks, and you'we pwobabwy not going to cop the new Union Jowdans eithew.

*cuddles u abt it* X3

in defense ov burger king

 in a recent post, someone who i thought was a "dear friend" and "creative collaborator" decided to make a point of slandering the humble burger king cheeseburger. now i am a leftist/communist/maoist/dengist and as such all corporations are bad etc but theres no ethnical consumtion under crapitalism (as i call it) so i would like to take a moment to defend the humble BK (Burger King)

heres why burger king is awesome:

REASON 1: MY MOM USED TO GET IT FOR ME AFTER TAEKWONDO

i used to do taekwondo when i was a little kid from when i was 5 to like 13 and around when i was like 8 they moved the taekwondo place i went to from a strip mall down the street from my house (mcdonalds territory) to a strip mall in concord that was right across from a burger king. as such when y mom was too tired/lazy 2 make meals she would stop at bk after picking me u and id have cheeseburger no pickles.. fries.. soda pop if i was good.. all importaant things 4 a growing child to consume. 

i think i went a little earlier sumtimes too bc i remember having BK revenge of the sith toys like multiple

they were kinda lame didnt move at all but the jawa one was like cloth also the jar jar one looks kinda racist for sum reason

i used to have a plush c3po toy that was shiny gold and once i put it in my pants and rubbed it against my penis and i was so scared that my parents were gonna find out and i hid it because it turned a weird color i still dont really know if that actually happened or if i imagined it but i remember crying a lot

REASON 2: THE KING HAS SWAG

the burger king king has swag. thats undoubtable.

look at that smile. that confidence. this is a primo crazy white boy that wants to sharehis love of burgers with you, to see the joy on your face. look at that fresh beard, those furs. 

imagine the burger king in some distressed stonewash pac sun skinny jeans, loose white express v neck, holding a canon rebel eos. he knows you feel really bad about yourself, and hes gonna make you feel better by doing a nude photoshoot so you can see how beautiful you really are. hes gonna do it for free because hes just that good of a guy. more than you can say about that FAGGOT ronald mcdonal isnt it? 

ronald mcdonald would just send you ifunny memes that are pics of anime girls hugging that says skyrim font WHOLESOME 100 on bottom. ronald mcdonald is cringe. hes like a cringe guy. he sucks. once in middle school my friend mark and i were talking about counter strike and ronald mcdonald came up and was like did u know titanfall is a source game? i just got an alienware laptop whats yr guys steam names and mark and i wer elike this dudes a total fag but i guess we'll give him our steam names and once my friend lucas and i went to ronald mcdonalds birthday party and his parents are like super super rich capitalist white cuban immigrants and we spent the whole time in the bathroom making youtube videos ronald mcdonald ended up going to university of the pacific in stockton to study agriculture becaue he wanted to "cash in on the green rush" ( grow weed) but like this was 2017 when he said this like theres no way hes gonna succeed hes way too late to the game and last i heard he lost a bunch of weight and makes horrible rap music now. ronald mcdonald said and did this.

crack-up at the grape v drop -KOP Mall 2013

 

dubstepslubbo610 stompin round mainline area code - one time for the illadelph burbs - one time for the shawties with the curves.     

    yall see the title yall know what i copped -  got there the thursday before, right after i see new girl (schmidt pissin me off to think about - kinda guy to wear driving loafers lmao) brought three fits to the camp and five goons from the little league team i coach for - tiny daffy, gold bug, sick gibson, AT&T (teams starting battery pack). thursday fit on the cranium up top diamond supply the hundreds snapback collaboration - got the collab graphic on the underbrim - i stitched the nba logo to the back - neon green snap - tag uptop still in tact - and the hundreds logo on the panel. over the body had two t-shirts over one another  overtop had the full print AI crossing up MJ rookie moment - thank you AI for all you did for the heritage - underneath catching the sweat got thee fruit of the loom tee that i drew the grape fives on for good luck on our camp. on the legs the beater pacsun khaki joggers with the gold aglets hanging. anchorman ron burgundy printed stance socks that say stay classy san diego cross the soles copped also at pacsun. laced up down low gott the AF1 World of Warcraft bespokes inspired by the tier 13 shaman- brown outsole midsoles stay clean with the offwhite which supposed to represent the bones from the armor of the shaman unbelievably high quality tingting shine brown canvas upper leather eyelets rlly fit the shaman with their leather cloaks and all that - double 0 layered swoosh with the denim yellow frayed suede going round the tongue olive inner liner gold aglet drop down., they look really clean on feet of course of course slight crease on em from two times i wear. lastly coated up round the body is a nice SPF to protect from that spring time sun - i can burn real easily don't want get cancer over any sneaker drops haha. i had the squad in their uniforms that i had in the truck- i bring them with for the company and for the snack patrol but also to get multiple pairs because on heat drops like these footlocker limits to one per customer. also bring disquises to go in n out with out the guards catching you. brought foobie mustaches for the whole crew. we cop the small sizes 7.5 men's sz 6 GS sz 4 for the sidepiece.   have to get there before the philipino swag crew rolls up they hog the small sizes when we sleepin lol. we were the first to show waited only a good 36 hrs for the 8 am door opening. we bring mits and practice in the parking lot - portable DVD players and load up at 7/11 for discount dvds to watch while we wait to strike. sick gibson a fat little kid lmao so he brings fruit roll ups and i promise auntie annes pretzels if he picks me up the pair and waits the whole time. its all good times going round til the philipino swag group shows up at 8 pm Friday night

 - they start calling me a slinky legs (i got slinkys for legs and a rolie polie olie body) with goofy threads - cant take that disrespect i take tiny daffys bag of funyans funnel em down like popeye throating the spinach roll up with my popped biceps and try to sucker punch the g he lays me down flat right after curbs stomps me against the footlocker door - my squad starts bussin at me on the ground and callin me out for my silly putty ass and potato chip dick that got ruffled when i slipped down the escalator early that morning. humiliation sets in slubbo down bad like im gassin in the fourth down double digits. and  i gotta crawl back to the whip (jetta) resigned to not getting the grape vs - the hypest drop of the calendar year. sitting in the whip i locate a last ditch effort to sneak into the release. i got eyeblack from last weeks game against the cubs (we lost 7-0) i coat my face in the mirror with the eyeblack i got cover my whole body toss on a new fit all black sweats with the champion hoodie blacked out i can blend in unseen with the night time, i will go unnoticed by my traitors and my foes blending into the pitch black nighttime. i crawl on all fours back to the line stand at the back and pass out for the night ready for the 8am grapes and that warm champagne i got back in the trunk. as the sun coming up at 6am the eye black start to smear round my face and melt off my body - i start looking like pigpen in the springtime heat. worried people will start calling me out for my pigpen drip or notice the slubbo coming out underneath the black paint and try to curbstomp my teeth into piano keys one more time - i didn't think about the daytime i always forget about it until it happens. i panic and resort to rearranging my face  mush my head in a jar shape and pull my ears like silly putty down to my knees. lobes hanging low so im not recognized. as i approach closer to the footlocker i see my whole crew converted to the philipino camp eating auntie annes cinnamon bites with the blue razz slush and wearing their matching grape vs. they picked up all the youth sizes all that's left is a sz 13 that i gottta cop. i try to slide them on they look like ronald Mcdonald shoes sliding eeverywear. maybe if i double sock it i can rock em. 

IM AT THE WHITE CASTLE I DONT SEE YOU HEAR DOG

i went to new york city recently (for research purposes and to stand outside of the metrograph) and every time i go i go to  the white castle on 1545 myrtle avenue, the onedown the street from trans pecos . i have a strong affinity for white castle burgers - the frozen ones got me hooked. when my grandmother was ill/insane, the rehabilitation clinic i would visit her at as a child would have a vending machine with FROZEN SLIDERS (NO PICKLE) (2). as an autistic child, the possibility of a meat-product being vended caused awe and wonder. 

none of my friends like white castle, they think the frozen sliders are gross and the fresh ones even worse. how can white castle be gross? do u not like the beastie boys? do u not like harold and kumar? 

my main man ian approached white castle completely wrong. he got a #1 (four sliders, fries, and a drink) and waited like 45 minutes between each slider. this is a strategy doomed to failure. the key is to eat the sliders as fast as possible and really just sit on the fries and drink - my sliders were gone in around 3 minutes. 

white castle's premium innovation is thin ass beef - a tgi fridays slider with a patty as big my fist is just a small burger - NOT A SLIDER! 

i dont know how people can shit on white castle and be completely fine with mcdonalds, burger king etc. have you ever had a straight up burger king cheeseburger? its barely edible. 

white castle is greasy but that's why its awesome. white castle makes me believe that i can coat my stomach in grease to protect it from dollar tecate nights. 

i love white castle because i love god and america and i love new york city. (ive lived in massachusetts nearly all of my life)

blast from the past: animals collective (REAL MANDELA EFFECT)

does anyone else a band called "animal collective"? 

they had albums called "strawberry jam", "feels", and "meriweather post pavillion"? i asked my friends about it and they insisted i was talking about Cut Copy or Capital Cities but i swear to god this was a band that existed. there were memebers: avey tare, panda bear, deakin and global. they maybe all died in 2016?

this is a picture i drew from memory. 

CAN ANYONE HELP SOLVE THIS MYSTERY? 

DO YOU REMEMBER ANY OTHER "FORGOTTEN" B\/ZZBANDS?

hello my uncle who is a blogger also

I have two gay uncles and they're gay together. I've seen them kiss and all that stuff. The one I'm referring to here is the one that's related to me by blood. He's considerably lamer than his husband who does awesome shit like play Final Fantasy, have a mom who fell off a bus, and be Dominican.

Somehow my gay uncle has managed to hold a significance in various friend circles throughout my life since high school. Pretty much everyone discovers him through facebook friend recs. Their intrigue comes from his name and the fact that all of his pictures look like this:

He has a really funny name that runs in the family. He's the third and final person to be given it as of right now. I thought there was controversy around it not being bestowed upon me at birth, but when I asked my mother about it she said that the only event that occurred around then was my great-grandfather being stabbed to death on a christmas tree farm he owned.

I probably shouldn't tell you my uncles' name, even though I really fuckin' want to. He recently disowned his own mother (my grandmother) and brother (my father) over some financial shit and I imagine he would do the same to me for a lot less. I probably shouldn't care. The man has consistently been pretty horrible to me throughout my teenage and adult life.

In the past year it was brought to my attention that his twitter looks like a bot. On a daily basis this dude is posting articles with titles like 5 Fun Things To Do With Your Kids, The Best Tiles To Use For Your Tile Floor, How To Avoid Being Poisoned, shit like that. Somehow no one had the idea to click on any of these articles until months after this discovery was made, which revealed an even funnier truth: My uncle was the one writing all of these.

Each article is either on a topic so fundamental to human existence that no one needs advice on it or something that this middle-aged gay realtor clearly has no intellectual jurisdiction over. As a childless dude, it's bizarre how many articles there are about raising kids. I'm sure he was a kid at some point but you don't learn how to torture someone by getting ball-gagged and titty-zapped. The man also seems to be incredibly paranoid about identity theft, as it is a reoccurring topic of obscure specificity. There's one article where he suggests you install a lazy river in your backyard in order to make your children happy.

I dunno, my uncle is just the first person I think of when a friend of mine asks if I wanna write for her fuckin' blog. I had a night riddled with insomnia for the first time in awhile, probably coz I keep thinking about this relationship in which that was a regular occurrence. Today was my first day interning at a studio and one of the engineers kept staring at the sliver of breast I currently possess. I'm guessing it had less to do with the breasts and more to do with the implied penis cooling in their shade.

9 Reasons why saw is the best horror movie series

Hiiii so today I just got finished watching “jigsaw” which i hadnt seen since it came out in theaters like 4 yrs ago (i went rlly hungover by myself in an empty theater). Ive been rewatching all these movies in anticipation for “spiral” the chris rock starring “next chapter in the book of saw” which hopefully i go to w my gf on a date :). 

But lately all this has got me thinking that these movies r actually pretty fun and dumb and totally worth the roughly 14-15 hrs of ur life they take up (yeah theres 9 movies altogether) sooo im gon a give u al 9 reasons why saw is one of the best horror movie series/franchises etc. etc. etc. 

1. Jigsaw did nothing wrong

1. Thats the first thing u have to understand to get into this series is that jigsaw is the only true anarchist to actually exist like the center figures in his “games” r usually morally corrupt powerful men or other ppl that have contributed to jon kramer (jigsaw’s) illness n death and they all somehow relate to him/eachother over the first 7 movies which is pretty epic. He does throw in other victims as well usually to test the morlITY Of his true “testees” (lol) and usually theyre like addicts or petty criminals or even chronic smokers but idk…. Even tho tnhey arent justified killings their lives r usually in the hands of the testee so jigsaw does make it a fair game, n also throwing in literally anybody proves that the mans just hates humanity or the system or whatever n theres some legit rlly profound n tender moments that force u to sit in kramesr mindset. 

2. The Traps are Dope

1. If i dont hold back i could rank all 60-75 maybe “traps” featured in the series but like… they start simple… the bathroom… barbed wire maze… the bear trap… slowly become more elaborate n theatrical. I really like the movies that follow the “haunted house ride” format where ppl move thru a series of elimination based traps (that r all survivable btw), n some r just kinda rubegoldbergy. If u like trinkets n gears n toys n machines n cogs turning its really cool. Also the sheer theatricality of some of them queercodes jigsaw sorrrrryyyy xD.

3. It’s not That violent.

1. Alotta ppl dont wanna watch it bc they think its a gorefest and tbh i think the only movies that have rlly uncomfortable/challenging violence r 2 and 3 bc they have the darkest nature to them and not to be that girl but some of the scenes involve wrists/blood/needles etc and for me thats where im like ok noooooooooo thanks. But like… so much of the rest of the series the traps r so outlandish the ppl r so disposable n the blood/guts is so red and over the top sometimes that it becomes cartoony my good friend described it as “looney tunes violence” and that feels like quite accurate

4. It IS violent

1. Maybe im crazy but i think everyone should b exposed to some level of theatrical violence idk. Im all about sitting thru discomfort and stated in point 1, jigsaw is rlly complex n forcing urself to empathize with his actions i think  is a rlly interesting testament to the characters writing. But like cmon, its  amovie, ppl used to w acth executions all the time this scratches that same itch except its ok bc its all fake :)

5. The Women r Badddddddd :)

1. Amanda, jill TUCK, agent perez,,,, idk top 3 for me. Theres lots of annoying screamy girls which is like a horror trope but the women they give depth n character arcs too,,, like they rlly make the series n show that this isnt just a MANS game heehhehe, alsoooo they are all p hot especially movie 3 amanda like she rlly is that evil brunette baddie u all wish u had. Also jill tuck is jigsaws wife n she still stays loyal throughout all his shit so like… u all WISH u had a girl like that tbh.

6. The boys are CUtEEEE!!!!

1. The first movie has a jocky dr and a twink photographer battling oput for their life and the moment where they look like theyre gonna kiss is actually kindof hottttt (and the twink is the writer of the OG movie!!). Then u meet detective hoffmann whos sooooo bad n evil but kindof in a daddy way and tbh id let him raw me ooops. And then devin bostik the guy who palys rodrick in diary of a wimpy kid movie is another sweaty crying twink in saw 6 and hes kindof cute there toooooo lmao ik what yall like. Also to an extent jon kramer the jigsaw himself ends up benign kindof cute and homey/comforting like youll feel like amanda and jill by the end of the series.

7. 3d boobie

1. 7 is rlly gimmicky especially cause its in 3d, they rlly go ham w the digital 3d angles and you might even feel trapped too!!!! Bringing out the sensation in the movie 2 full force. But i think by far the best part is the opening trap where some broad hangs big fat double d’s over a blade n the camera shows the blades pov so u get a full shot of 3d boobie in ur face as well as some scary saws in ur face so its scary but also funny hehe. 

8. It keeps going!

1. For a movie that started out as a short turned into feature, it has 8 sequels and 1-7 all tie together incredible seamlessly, i cant think of 2 many plotholes… even the spimoff series starting with jigsaw manages to add 2 the story even if its  alittle dumb but the final twist n timeline jump ends up working!! And now i rlly have 2 see spiral.

9. Ummmm…. It’s all a game

1. Who doesnt love games? Everyone loves 2 play games which is why you should all watch :). Idk i cant think of a 9th reason bc i havent seen the 9th movie spiral yet,,, but i hope my GF goes on a date with me to see it pleaseeeee it’ll make mem really happy pleaseee pleaseee i love u its not that scary i promiseeeeeeee ok lemme know :)

alternate universe where i went to RISD

did u know my readers, my friends, that i didnt go to RISD (Rhde Island School ov Design) bcoz i emailed former comedian, current "life guru," and notorious pedophile Sam Hyde asking if i should go, bcoz he went there??? 

i emailed him saying i loved his work and ryan trecartin n they both went to risd but i wanted honest thoughts abt whether or not it was worth it. in response:

this email i received, less than a sentence long, probably took 20 seconds to write, ended up shaping the next 4 years of my life until now. god am i stupid. now of cours i dont know if id be better off if i went to RISD, but im sure id at least be happier if i wasnt about to graduate from this fucking clown school im at rn.

but anyway, ive thought abt it a lot and i wanna propose an alternate universe where i didnt heed hydes advise and i DID end up going to rhode island school of design...

RISD ALEX

risd alex is like me but a lot cooler, she wears undercoverism and acne jeans and balenciaaga, she listsns to cool shit like deep aphex twin cuts, autechre mixes, happy hardcore

risd alex has no contempt 4 tha "film bro" bcoz she doesnt even know who the "film bro" is. 

"benny safdie? is that like a woody allen character??" - risd alex, one ov her famous quotes

risd alex has not seen a movie longer than 45 minutes in 3 years but has made 36 short films in that span of time. shes working with digimodernism, digital overlay, digital in-fram collage, extreme kuleshov manipulation juxting, 3d wireframe dimension hopping, painting on film, scratching on film, painting on film more, painting on film with nail polish. shes exploring the potentialities of film right now and shes actually getting paid to do it. in thid universe where i went to risd trump actually won again but he ran as sort if a dirtbag left socialist and now hes personally sending risd alexchecks in the mail to make post ironic deviantart vr exploration soundscapes. 

risd alex has never read a script in her life and instead paints on film like a lot a lot of painting on film. she cant get enuf of painting on film. do her films make anyone feel anything??? thats subjective man i cant answet that. if i had to guess, no, but thats just me being realistic their not very good

risd alex gets mad pussy and dick too just cinstantly getting primo pole and hole bc shes kimd of like an art genius mixed with a pick up ARTIST u see what i mean and once made a "straight" guy give her 250 dollars for getting cum on her rick owens dunks

risd alex is very srs about her work but isnt afraid to let loose sometime and do ketamine. if i went to risd id be addicted to ketamine probably id also have like a lower iq somehow im very gullible and stupid in general and I feel like in that environment id really get lured into some horrible shit.

str8 guys who r cucked and overcompensatingly pretend to be attracted to men all want to fuck anthony fantano

 one ov the worst archetypes is the str8 man who feels some sort of inferiority complx that makes him comment on the "attractiveness" of famous men completely based on bizarro combination metrics ov their own insecurity and what they think womin find attractive in a man/ what they find attractive in women u see this with really dumb neolib guys saying Pete butt egg js hot and shit ljke that but its the worst with the stuck in 2017 type pitchfork fantano fggt who remarks on mens THICC THIGHS i hate the word thicc, thicc thicc thicc makes me sicc sicc sicc go to any of anthony fantanos tweets where he like is pretending to be 10 years younger and says vibe checc or something with a pic of him in one ov the worst outfits uve ever SEEN and theres guaranteed like 50 replies from guys whos prof pics are like an anime drawing ov themselves over a swans album cover saying some sus shit like "looking THICC 👑 king!!!" like why do they do this their just humilating themselves do they get off on it i really dont understand can some1 explain 2 me

delivering food

for the past couple of months ive been delivering food for money in a job type of  way. thats not my job though. im a filmmaker/creative/boundary pushing writer. sometimes on every monday, wednesday, friday, and saturday nights i deliver garbage to very sad people. 

most of the people i deliver good to are shut-ins or meatball-like children who are being raised by call of duty: warzone. when i was their age i was also a meatball like child but at least i was saving up all the money in my piggy bank to visit prospective groomers at the barnes and noble starbucks instead of ordering 30$ worth of boston market. 

i have two degrees btw.

i double majored in undergrad in biology and fashion design (why tfffffff did I do that??? i buy most of my clothes next to the bread aisle at target (pmc walmart) and we know everything that we need to know about the human body (liquid flowing is good and buildup of plaque is bad))

there's a little text box that the customer sees when I pick up the order so I set it to say "saving up for med school" so they would feel guilty about making me drive 10 miles to their house to drop off a 30 pound bag of dog food. 

sometimes one of the shutins will invite me into their home. they'll tell me their sorid little tales and sometimes they'll pour me a warm can of beer they bought at trader joes (pmc aldi(pmc just go to a regular grocery store im not paying for a cart)). i can always tell the beer is from trader joes because it will be named something truly homo like Trader Joe's Beer That When You Sniff It It's Just Like Poppers. i'll say that it's very nice they invited me into their home but now it's time to leave and they'll say something about good company and ill get back to my car and find out they only tipped me 3$

wtfffffff man. 

i drive around real slow in the rain in the dark of the night and i listen to cool things like action bronson and flatbush zombies. 

i think flanders dead wife is much prettier than marge simpson. how do you think flanders feels living next to the guy sort of responsible for his wife's death. If I were flanders I'd probably buy a disease on the dark web and put it in the simpson's water. 

RIVERS CUOMO MEDIATION GUIDE (Binaural beats, Healing Focus 432hz) PART ONE

 

PART 1/4:

THE RIVERS CUOMO MEDITATION GUIDE

or HOW TO BE A DOPE ROCKSTAR

AN INTRODUCTION

RIVERS CUOMO

AMERICAN SINGER

ROCKER

"JAPAO-PHILLE"

AND....

MEDITATOR

WEEZER, 2010

Weezer remains a widely popular and influential band among my silverback zoomer colleagues, mostly through Rivers Cuomo's countless innovation and strategy to insert himself into the youth (Memes, Radio Disney, FRED, Fortnight) and never accept an emasculated elder statesman role. While their early work such as 1994's "Blue Weezer" album, 1996's "Pinkerton" (note: not worth it getting in Pinkrton fights in 2021), and 2010's "Hurley", Weezer's influence remains unmatched, and they continue to rock through dope events such as Summer Game Fest 2021.

Japanese Breakfast performed directly before this, and the two bands were brought together by mutual interests.

While reflecting upon RC's dope life style (profitable, sensual, racial, uncancelled) in his college town of BOSTON, MA (where he played in "blue-eyed" soul group Homie) the secrets of RIVERS meditation practice became clear to me. 

Side-note to all my fellow NB'z out there - look to nature for dope names. Storm. Rainforest. Bald Eagle. Puddle. River's hot "GNC/vitamin world" look was clearly only manifested through 'Vipassana Meditation'.

WHAT'S WITH THESE HOMiES
DISSING MY ~*~ALLSTON LOOK~*~

Shirt: Buffalo Exchange (post-move)

Jacket: Urban Renewals (pre-move)

Chain: Facebook Marketplace (shipped)

Stare: MEDIATOR'S GAZE (timeless)

“So from my first course, also somewhat famously at least in Weezer circles, is I couldn’t have any sexual activity outside of lifelong committed relationships so for three years I was completely celibate after that first course,” Cuomo said. “It was tough.” He not only credits the practice of meditation for helping him find continued music inspiration -- outside of a recent stint on Tinder he said was for song research for the new album -- but also for choosing to get married and have children, and even for keeping Weezer together."

STAY TUNED FOR DETAILS ON THE RIVERS MEDITATION GUIDE

& STEPS YOU CAN TAKE AND LEARN FROM HIM

TO BE THE BEST ARTIST YOU CAN BE THROUGH THE

POWER OF MEDITATION AND BINANURAL BEATS/HEALING FREQ'S